Posted by sk25 on 2014/06/27 under Uncategorized I don’t know where or how to start. There is so much I have on my mind, yet I can’t stop and focus on one thing. Everything is so scattered. It maybe that my emotions are making it hard to understand what I am thinking. How do I write down how I am feeling and what I am thinking if I don’t even know? So here is me trying. I feel stuck. I feel pushed aside, used, confused. Likeihave been made into a person that I am not, because I am trying to please everyone around me. I feel trapped. never free. I’m always worrying about what other people are going to do or think, or getting in trouble or if what i am doing is going to disappoint other people. Because of this I am disappointing myself. I think I am somehow losing myself. if that is even possible. I feel so fake, pretending to be someone to please the people that I am around. I am being pulled so thin trying to be whatever everyone wants me to be. In reality I just want to be myself. I don’t know who that is because I have never had the opportunity to find out. This may seem juvenile and not important, but I don’t know what to do other than write it all out. So it may seem scattered and unplanned, maybe even a little confusing, but it is the truth, it’s my thoughts, and my life….i guess. To start I should probably tell you that I am a pastor’s daughter. With this there are an unbelievable amount of expectations.( I absolutely HATE expectations) My dad is a pastor at a Baptist church. My mom is a preacher’s wife who 100% supports him and everything he-they believe in. So that means our family is a christian family. Or at least it should be. I have 4 brothers, two older two younger, i am the only girl.
My oldest brother is 22, he lives in California, which is all the way across the country from where my family and I live. In high school he played football. He was absolutely amazing. I mean AMAZING. He could have and should have gone to college for it and maybe even the NFl. Sadly his grades we AWFUL. Anyways he was and still is my role model. I mean I absolutely look up to him. And I know if i told my dad that he would completely flip and find that absolutely ridiculous and dumb that, my oldest brother is my role model, let me explain why, Well let’s call my oldest brother, Michael. Michael is not your good, innocent kid you think should be an average role model. No he had a lot of anger especially when he was in his younger teenage years because my mom and his real dad got a divorce when he was little. of this he got involved with some bad kids and did some bad things and illegal things. This was earlier on before Michael and I became close. He grew up a little and through his high school years he and I became really close. He played football and was the MVP on the team no doubt. I loved going to his games and just being around him. He showed incredible perseverance and athletic ability, like there was nothing he couldn’t do. He also was a very cool and popular guy in school. I was also really liked his older friends, at this time I was in 6th and 7th grade. They treated me like their little sister, it was fun! What you should understand is that my dad and Michael’s dad are different so he is my half brother although it never really felt like that to me. My dad and Michael were not that close and I noticed it from a young age and it killed me. I hated it because whenever Michael would do something or get in trouble he would get punished harsher than me or my other brothers would. I always tried to take the blame or help him in anyway I could because I felt that every time he would get in trouble he would just go back to Orgeon and live with his real dad, and leave me. And i knew that i just really couldn’t deal with him leaving anymore. He was the only person I could relate too and the only person I wanted and still want to talk too. So his senior year came to an end and he didn’t make it into any of the colleges he wanted too because of his grades, tensions rose and my parents wanted him to go to this Christian college, Michael didn’t want to go because he didn’t believe in God and that stuff that my parents did. One day my mom went through Michael’s bad and found weed. My mom being the christian woman she is completely flipped. and told my dad, he freaked out also and got so mad at him. It was the worst summer of my life. Michael left after they told if he wanted to live here he couldnt have that stuff anymore. He came back to get his stuff and my mom just yelled at him and told him if he left now he could never return. I watched the only person i ever respected turn around with his stuff get in his friends car and drive off while my mom yelled at him. I barely saw him after that. My parents and him were not on good terms. He lived in a house with one of his friends families, i didn’t blame him. I was SO MAD at my parents. I missed him so much and I knew that he was just getting more and more distant because he was just being yelled at by my parents. Finally, he decided he was moving to California. Later that summer he left, i barely got to say goodbye. That was the summer before 7th grade. That 7th grade year was hell. I started to keep everything on the inside. I started keeping everyone at a distance. And started to depend on myself and stopped trusting people. Nothing has changed.